Tough day at the office, honey

Dateline: above the garage in Portsmouth RI instead of on a plane heading to Norfolk VA, 30 November 2004
All set to fly out of Providence to Norfolk tonight for a briefing at a naval base down there, which C-SPAN was scheduled to tape for later use (originally set for broadcast 6 December), but had the briefing canceled at the last minute, so no trip. Kids and wife happy (number 1 son has state report on Florida due tomorrow, so I help him as I type this), but I was more than a little peeved at having distant higher-ups in DC (not Office of the Secretary of Defense, but my own tribe!) deciding they weren't going to approve C-SPAN taping the brief.
Problem really was in going to a relatively small command and putting a relatively low-ranking person (not even an officer) on the hot seat in terms of getting the usual approvals. Frankly, when you deal with more high-ranking, they don't seek the usual approvals because that's what having rank is all aboutóactually making decisions on your own. But this time events conspired to put me at this particular facility and the person involved did what seemed right in terms of chain of command and in the end, that pretty much killed the whole endeavor.
You'd think my tribe would be happy to have one of their own in such demand, but frankly, that kind of prominence and my current job status simply do not mix.
I'm beginning to understand why some people call themselves "Anonymous."
No hard feelings from me, as I wasn't looking forward to all that flying in the dark on small planes. But, as will all such tussles, you learn who your friends are and those you should never turn your back on, and so you move on and plan accordingly.
Real shame is that C-SPAN is all excited about doing new taping because they have new technology that would allow them to direct feed the PowerPoint slides onto the screen for "close-ups" as desired. To me, that's a briefing worth taping.
I know that, in all these situations, one of the driving impulses for most bureaucratic resistance I run into is the ever-present suspicion that I only give briefs and seek such taping opportunities to sell the book. But in reality, I seek the tapings primarily because I want a permanent record of what I've done in all these countless briefings, and because I feel the American public deserves access to this sort of material through non-profits like C-SPAN. In short, I feel ordinary citizens deserve to know.
If I really wanted to just make money, I would have never joined the defense community or the government, because frankly, neither place is a good one to do anything more than draw a salary. Plus, I just would have written some fantastically accusatory book about who "stole/lied/deceived/etc" America on "the terror war/9-11/Iraq/Osama/etc." Writing that sort of partisan shit isn't hard for someone with my talent for writing, it would just tax my physical strength for having to go through life constantly vomiting.
On the upside . . . I got Mark Warren's edit of the piece I wrote for the February issue of Esquire and it really rocks exactly as designed. Both Mark and I agree: I've really gotten to the point where I know how to write an article like that and make it sound exactly the way I want it to sound while giving it that Esquire flair, which frankly fits my persona well.
Is that persona the cause of my trouble in my day job? You bet. Under no illusion on that one. But Christ! I'm 42 and I buried my father last spring. If I'm not going to get comfortable with that persona at this point in my life, then when the hell am I? You bottle that stuff up and you end up one of those pathetic types who ditched the wife and kids for the young babe because that was the only answer he could come up with at that stage of the game.
There is a mansion in a small, out of the way town north of Kansas City that I have my eye on. Yeah, an actual mansion, which in MO costs roughly the same as my little old Cape Cod house on the island here. What that beautiful old house in MO represents to me is simply walking away from this life and starting something new, something where I could cut my own deals as required with those across the defense community who want my ideas and inputs in spadesówho don't seem to either fear me or feel the need to handle me. And it represents a deep embrace of the writing life: books, the blog, Esquire, private think tank venues.
As goofy as it feels deep down, I am ready to make an offer on the Missouri mansion, which tells me I am so close to an inflection point that I can feel the upward draft.
A famous businessman was once asked, "Are entrepreneurs born or made?" His reply, "They're cornered."
Today I was cornered, and it taught me something useful.