Dateline: SWA flight to San Diego, 24 May 2005, 53 days to the move
I will confess, as I ran the kids to and from schools today, I spent a lot of head time simply wondering if I was taking my family down the path to ruination. Here I am moving them, building a nice house, and planning to make a living remotely from my perch in Indiana.
Quick! Name the most influential defense intellectual writing in Indiana today!
That's not me being snotty, just a bit scared at the notion that I will maintain today's momentum while living an allegedly slower life in Indy.
Then again, I could just as easily fail horribly right here in Rhode Island, so what's the big scare? I mean, I can't return to the War College so long as the same guys who ran me out are still in power, so if I can't make this remote thing work here I'll have to suck my tail up between my legs and move my family to DC or somewhere else mil-heavy anyway, and I guess I could do that from Indy just as well as from here.
So I keep telling myself: the writing is going well for Esquire, the second book seems solid (another good talk with Neil Nyren today calms my nerves a bit, except when he notes that the last big push on editing the galleys might fall in mid-July!!!!!), there's no reason why I couldn't start a third one in 2006 for a spring 2007 release, I've already written the first draft of book # 4, the speech gigs are still rolling well over a year after PNM came out, and the consulting, while starting slowly as always, is maturing into two very solid alliances between the New Rule Sets Project LLC and two outstanding firms with hugely bright futures.
Add it all up, and given my instinctive Irish "optimism," I fully expect this jet to crash somewhere in the Rocky Mountains.
I'm just getting antsy, I guess, as the move becomes more real. Plus, here I am on a tortuous trip of flying all evening to San Diego, talking for 30 minutes on stage with no PowerPoint (it's a Future-in-Review thing reflecting how many people apparently stink at PowerPoint in the IT industry), and then immediately flying back all afternoon and evening tomorrow (thanks to the three hours lost).
[And yes, I'm wearing my anti-Deep Vein Thrombosis custom-fitted support socks as I type.]
I know, I know. Despite no pay this is all a really important opportunity for me to showcase my ideas in front of an important crowd.
Where have I heard that before? Hell, after seven years in the US Government, where haven't I heard that before?
Pop!Tech was worthwhile, because it got me the Leigh Bureau, and they've been spectacular. No LB, no move to Indy-plain and simple.
TED hasn't resulting in anything tangible whatsoever, although it was the most thrilling 22 minutes I've spent on stage, and I have both an audio and video capture on DVD to remember it by. Plus I was told by Roger Rabbit that my performance beat virtually every stand-up Charles Fleischer has ever seen in his career-and baby, that meant something!
So maybe Future in Review (FiRE) does something for me, but I'm betting it won't. I will meet some visionaries, as I so often have in the past at such IT gatherings, and several will speak glowingly about a brave new world we could create together, followed by a flurry of emails, but eventually they get bored and move on-truth be told.
I'm not saying they're insincere, because they're not. They're just not cut out for what they're dreaming they might do. They made their money in IT, and suddenly they want to save the world. But saving the world isn't something you do via email, or in VTCs or conference calls or by taking a few meetings F2F. Typically it's a long and difficult slog that defines an entire career, not an early retirement whim or perhaps a far-fetched brainstorm for a new product line and a new company.
I'm being harsh here, because some of these types really do have their heads screwed on for the task at hand. But you know what? They don't come to me for answers, but rather for real-world partnerships because they already know the answers and recognize readily how PNM encapsulates a vision they can market and improve the world by pursuing. In short, if I have to translate PNM for you after you've read it, we have no chance of fruitful collaboration. Because if you don't know the answer, I'm sure as hell not going to pull it out of my rear-end just because you pose the question. I wish I could, but I've not yet met that genius and don't expect I ever will.
And maybe that's what is spooking me today: heading off for the guru-among-gurus shtick sans PowerPoint. Very few people at FiRE will have read PNM, so I'll be stuck trying to explain a map without a map, and laying out a vision with no pictures. To me, that's like inviting Fred Astaire to sing or Madonna to act: interesting, but why bother? I mean, I can get a dog to walk on its hind legs too, but what does that prove?
I also worry about The New Map Game next week, primarily because I'm a control freak who made the Y2K and NewRuleSets.Project wargames work because I handcrafted those babies, along with my colleagues Hank Kamradt and Bradd Hayes, to within an inch of their lives. And that's not the case here. Yes, Alidade is inventive and clever and they've done some amazing things in the past, but it is scary to have someone else take your vision, which I consider akin to my fifth child, and put it in play before your eyes. Yes, I'll be the head of the Control Team, and I can indulge my inner freak on that basis, but it'll be scary going in, although I imagine it'll get awfully fun and exciting as it unfolds, because the ones I've been associated with in the past always have-even the spectacular failures (in fact, especially the spectacular failures!). We won't be making any money on this game (it's a labor of love for my crew), though I suspect we might be making some history, especially with the top-flight press in attendance.
But thinking of them only makes me nervous again . . .
But nervous is good. Geez, I was so nervous at TED you can hear my rapid breathing on the DVD for the first five minutes of the talk! And that was a great performance, maybe my best ever, so obviously a little fear is a very good thing.
So I guess I have little to worry about . . . except for that bit about moving my family of six halfway across the country on the theory that I can be a national security heavyweight who lives in Indiana.
Oh hell! Planes leave Indy just as nicely as Providence. No one cares where I live, and as for those who someday might, I will seek to be more circumspect regarding certain details of my family life in future blog entries-if only to make my Mom less concerned about her grandkids.
So if you think those nice emails of support you send don't matter to me, you're wrong. They matter a lot.
I recently watched "Lawrence of Arabia" on DVD and, as with all movies, I saw either my life or my personality in the main character.
I know, I know. A couple of weeks ago I said I saw myself in Harvey Pekar from "American Splendor," and now I'm Walter Mitty-ing my way in El Orance!
You know, they say there are two types of people in the world: those who see their lives as being like movies and those who see movies as being like their lives. I fall into the latter category, despite my self-absorption (or maybe because of it, I can't tell-the distinction here is a fine one).
Anyway . . . I really identified with Lawrence's constant fluctuating between wanting to rule the world (!) and simply wanting to be as ordinary as possible. There are many days I love what I've turned my life into and there are many days I would gladly escape it, and I think the latter impulse will only grow with age and more self-awareness, as it must for all people, I imagine.
This afternoon as we drove home I listened to my two older kids just prattle on about their school days, making jokes about this or that, and I thought to myself: I'm not going to find anything this cool or exciting or gratifying in San Diego, so why go?
On the way to the airport tonight I actually found myself wishing for bad traffic so I'd miss my plane. Granted, no fee involved, otherwise I would have pushed the thought instantly out of my mind-and yet, it got me wondering all right.
And I guess I come to the conclusion that San Diego gets me Indiana.
Here's the daily catch:
■ Where the real jammin' needs to occur in national security
■ The other culprit on high oil prices
■ Brazil's not yet out of De Soto's "legal tangle"
■ Why Kristof is optimistic on China
■ Again with the British Empire!
■ The Axis of Evil's A and B teams
■ Bill Lind's kindler, gentler take on Kaplan's war-with-China spiel
■ Bob Zoellick, the smartest man in the Bush Administration
■ Ralph Peters' 2, Straw Men 0