Taking stock ...

The last year has been a burn-out for me: too much travel, too much chasing money, too big of a push on the book, and far too little time with my family.

One of the things I've always feared is the sense that I'm continuing to do things in the same ways because I'm afraid to break out of the rut, because I can't imagine any other path.

I will admit: it was a huge mistake for us to move to Indiana from Rhode Island, and that decision was overwhelmingly my fault. My Dad had died and one of Vonne's relative had passed and we felt this need to get back to our roots, but as we've discovered, it makes very little sense to try to go home again. You're coming back to an image, not a reality--a memory primarily.

If I had thought about it more carefully, I would have kept us there in Rhode Island, avoided the expenses of moving (always underestimated), and figured out better and more clearly what I wanted to do with my life and career at that point.

I must be having a mid-life crisis. I'm the perfect age for it, and just finishing the book creates a natural space for it. You start getting messages from your 401k saying that when you retire in 2027, you can expect this much per month at your current holdings, and you stare at the paper and think to yourself: "That's it? I'm down to 20 years?"

Then there's your oldest getting her driving license and thinking about college and you're still filling out papers for the next adoption, and you ask yourself, "Why do this?"

But then you're at the pool with your younger kids and 60 minutes later you realize that you've gone down the 170-foot slide 12 times and jumped off the high dive maybe 20 times, and you say to yourself, "Why am I still like that at 46?"

Because if I were better in tune with that, I'd realize why I was signing those papers to adopt again. And maybe I should be more in tune with that, because, quite frankly, when the burn-out feeling wells up, I simply don't know what I'm chasing anymore.

I'm neither surprised nor dismayed to be thinking along these lines. I actually think it 's quite healthy. Plus it certainly beats the sort of stupid mistakes that get you divorced, because I am quite certain how I feel about my family.

So you catch yourself, as I often do in these long moments, perusing obituaries in the newspapers, trying to find the formula for the good life, and you keep wondering, "Am I missing something?"

I know it's not God, nor the love of a great person in a committed relationship that still thrills me, nor my kids, who bring me such joy that I can't think about them without smiling reflexively.

So what is it?

I have friends who live for triathalons, or sailing on the ocean, or learning some intricate craft. My favorite fantasy for a while has been the piano. I don't play well, but I love doing it.

Then you meet old friends who took different paths and you wonder if they cracked the code better. "If only I had stuck with that . . .," you say.

But then you remember why you didn't stick with that then, and yet you still wonder if you're missing some logic on sequencing, or every thing in its time and place.

One essential truth that has driven my choices for a while has been what Peter Drucker wrote about talent: figure out what you're good at and what you're bad at and spend all your time and resources getting better at what you're good at and don't spend any time or resources getting better at what you're bad at. Instead, outsource all that bullshit like crazy (and it's always bullshit to you).

So the key to periods of burn-out like this, I guess, is figuring out what you're best at right now--at this point in your time, and redirecting at that.

And I guess I'm not that sure what that is right now for me. I know I'm a good public speaker, but I don't know if just continuing that great skill and improving it is the best I can do. It's familiar enough, but I distrust such familiarity, as I just stated.

I know I like the writing, but in some areas it's getting too easy for me, also suggesting a rut. Maybe I need a lot more discomfort there. I mean, I can see why musicians fear putting out the same album over and over again. It's really dangerous to your creative soul.

Anyway, I know this: I don't want to be in Indiana much longer. The pollen here simply kills me, dominating my entire schedule. I gotta get back East, near the ocean, where the air is easier for me.

I will tell you: I wrote most of PNM and BFA before 0800. I wrote most of GP after noon. That's not me getting older. That's the reality of living here. It just feels unhealthy for me--just not right.

If that realization, plus the burn-out from the previous year, force some dramatic thinking and resulting change, then that is just what's required.

I guess I do understand Favre right now better than I care to admit ... so I'll pick up my stone and head back into my glass, highly-AC'd house, hoping I don't wake up with the usual headache come morning.

But again, the prompt is good, and here I think more like Ted Thompson, the Packers GM. Unemotionally, you have to always ask yourself, "Am I getting better or worse with the current package?" Because if I'm not getting better, you know what the alternative is.

I've written three big books. I was amazed to realize I could cut tens of thousands of words on Great Powers and still have a book as big as the first two. I also have a 200,000-word unpublished manuscript sitting around somewhere in my office, also non-fiction.

I was also amazed my wife wanted to give our piano to the kids' school, because I don't play it anymore.

And it all does get me wondering: What comes between now and retirement? And should I just go with that, or should I plot something radically different?

This is when I usually bring up becoming an Episcopalian priest with Vonne, but the former minister's daughter typically shoots that one down pretty fast. And if Favre truly is gone, then I probably should give up my fantasy of getting in football shape and walking into Packer training camp.

So what provides the trigger? The book does this or that? The right speech? Certain things go right and I make a lot of money?

I gotta admit: one of the main reasons why I never fantasize about going back in time across my life (reliving HS or something like that) is that I never find any one point in my life to suffer any deficit of big issues. It just always gets more complex, which is good, I guess, for someone like me--until it's trumped by something better.

Sometimes I wish I'd just have some medical wake-up call that would force the issue for me, but that's such a cop-out for somebody who lives by their mind--especially somebody who thinks strategically about the future.

And so I think harder, and keep running miles with my oldest son, letting him do most of the talking--out of necessity.

Comments

[Jon D'Angelo]

May I suggest National Security Adviser? Secretary of Defense? Secretary of Everything Else? Hell Jack Ryan ended up as President, you did compare yourself to him in PNM...

[Constantina]

mmm... That's deep.

Makes me want to pick up my violin again and start playing.

I feel you on this. Although I am younger, I see it.

[PamC]

Heh... never figured you for an existential crisis. And I wonder who in Vonne's family know's my family. My Dad's oldest sister is Mary Kamman. Small world.

I had that health crisis at 27. Still have it, really. Still it took me about 6 years of awful, awful stuff to figure out my answer. Actually figured it out just a few days ago.

I seek out the big answers. The answers to questions that most people don't even ponder because they think there's no answer.

But I know that's not true.

There is a way to understand everything. There is always an answer to why. I don't accept "I don't know" as a viable answer. Things follow form, function. And it *does* make sense. It is all reasonable. It's all logical.

It's only when you're missing pieces that it seems unreasonable. Illogical. Crazy.

Here's my advice, take it or leave it...

Look for the coincidences, the synchronicities. The way I figure, there like God's road signs: St. Louis: 302 miles, rest stop next exit, etc. I get pretty spiritual about it. If you want to check it out (again, feel free to ignore...) here's the link to my blog - http://pamc.livejournal.com/877078.html?nc=7

Small world. And this is one of my synchronicities. ;)

[Alex Kessinger]

As a young man, 24, and starting a family. I look forward to many people to try and plan my own future. I have read many articles, and seen many videos of talks. I consider your talks in the top echelon of any I have ever seen online. They seem to cut to the core. I use your ideas in everyday conversations about the world, attributed always.

So, I find some comfort in your expression of confusion, or meloncholy, becase I too feel this way every so often. I look around me and wonder what should I do next.

If I may offer one thing I feel that I have learned. I have started to try and take the zen aproach. This is the way it is and will always be. I will always feel confused. I will always belive that someone is doing better. I will always feel like I could do more. I try to just breath, and wait through the period of confusion. Then when I least expect it my next move become apparent.

I hope to one day help bring clarity to murky subjects like your self, its nice to know that even the professionals don't always know what to do next.

[Hans Suter]

I like that last sentence.

[Can Sar]

I normally read your blog for the articles you point out and your analysis but this has been one of my favorite posts in my three months of reading it.

[jba]

Welcome, you've grown up enough to join Boomerville...

[Jerry Hendrix]

Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin was a fighter pilot, test pilot, held a PhD from MIT in astrophysics, selected for astronaut in his early 30s, walked in space on a Gemini mission, then became the second man to walk on the moon, all before 40. He came home, struggled with what to do next because he just knew that he had reached the pinnicle of his life and that it was all down hill from there, descended into drunkeness, lost his marridge and his kids. It took him ten years, but finally came to grips with the fact that life is not about the last think you did, its about your family, and the next thing you will do, your next contribution, be it at the family level, or the professional level. Don't focus on the last book, right now don't focus on the next book. Take a break, look at your kids, watch them breath while they sleep, soak in the miracle, and listen. God will whisper his next task for you soon enough. I know, been there, done that, got multiple t-shirts.

[michal shapiro]

Pam: Very comforting words.For my part, I just find it poignant to see someone trying to apply grand strategy to his own life. Because even if there are "rule sets" in life, most of them have been created by people who were trying to superimpose order over perceived chaos. Life is chaotic; just ask a Darfuri, or a Zimbabwean, or any of the former stockholders of Enron. What are the rule sets of life? You are born, you try to make it through as best you can, you die. We are always at the mercy of the uncontollable.Dr. Barnett, you are remarkably fecund, and have probably done more good than you can possibly imagine. You are also incredibly driven, and in constant motion. Here's two possibilities (in an old Jewish joke, there are always two....) Just STOP --really STOP--for a week, or however long you need --to let your analytical-must-find-the-answer-brain refresh itself. Or (2) --a nod to Pam here--perhaps that busy bee life of yours will turn out to be the path and the answer all at the same time.Maybe its time to think about writing fiction, as you mentioned several posts back... A children's book about --football? Could be a great project for you and Vonne.

[Tom Mull]

Hey Tom: I'm 56. Married 25 years and Divorced (8 years ago). Long Term Relationship (8 years but she died 2 weeks ago). Son 31 and daughter 29). I started getting back to my music at 42 (Singing, guitar, and harmonica) and really started getting somewhere with it at 48. Life is a journey not a destination. Welcome to midlife. You're phasing in and I'm phasing out. Have you watched the movie "American Beauty"? Try "Nietzsche Wept" which came out last year. They are both great midlife guy movies. =)

[Diane]

You’re at the perfect age for a crisis. I’ve had many in my life, got smarter with each one. I can tell you sometimes looking back you think of only the good times you had in those places not the everyday mundane stuff of life that seems to have you off kilter right now.

I find it amazing with your schedule that you find time for anything else. You have an amazing life; the most amazing part is how many light bulbs your words and the way they are presented have affected other lives, if only I could do that. I do not believe your job will ever be over given the amount of un-lit bulbs out there. I find myself when chatting with friends and family talking in Barnettisms without even knowing I am doing it.

As for where you live, I am a Midwesterner, I live in Iowa. The older I get the more allergies I seem to grown into, right now it is grass pollen. I use to play in that stuff constantly when I was a youngster with no problem. Getting older is not much fun but as you would say it is inevitable. Along with the bad stuff getting older presents much good comes with it, seeing the circle of life go on in the form of grandkids. My grandkids are what matters most to me now. My grandkids are a diverse bunch. I have 8, 3 boys and 5 girls. My first grandchild Jessica just turned 17 she taught many lessons to my all white family. She is half African American. She is a product of the Air Force. Two other granddaughters 4 yrs and 1 yr are half Navaho. They were a product of the Navy (shipboard romance) I have always said I believe that America will one day all be a light tan. These births changed the way my family thinks. I also think you have had an affect as well. I read your blog daily and when current problems come up in conversation I relay your thoughts and ideas, everyone gets quite since they really have little or no place to go. Thank you for your ideas and most especially the way you present them. It does not matter where you live, the gift you provide is the same.

Diane ClarkDavenport, IA.

[notchris]

outstanding post. as a 42 yo i've been asking myself many of the same questions. you frame them well.

one small piece of unsolicitied advice - there may not be a trigger. you could be in the midst of the change you seek and just not see it yet. ask those around you - those you love and who love you - to help ask the right questions.

wish i could say i was sorry about favre, but the soap opera is just too good!

[Mark V. McDonnell]

Tom, a bit of a blurt but I always appreciate your openness about your "process," whether about geopolitics or just "life as it is."

One question might help you tame the sprawl: where do "service" and "self-expression" intersect for you? It's always a substantial space on the Venn diagram, though you might have to quiet your mind to locate it precisely.

[Joe Brenner]

Tom: You're rising ("...that men may rise on stepping stones of their dead selves to higher things)". You're balanced (in life, career, family, analytical approach, and world view). You're expressive (in speaking, writing. and feeling). You're also elevated (flying above the fray, and sometimes the facts, aloof from criticism, and often self-removed from rivals and competitive opinions). You're sensitive (so get an air cleaner installed, imagine the Newport breeze while on your rear deck, and eliminate the fear of migraines and other constrictions -- just as you suggest to others, from statesmen to madmen -- to get a grip, embrace change, and make it happen; do it yourself). Your thoughts on such a self reach a far wider audience than critiques on foreign policy. That's influence; that's, shall we say, real "connectivity"?

[Lexington Green]

"I must be having a mid-life crisis."

Maybe. Most people do.

But it is probably more the standard "blues" that many creative people have when they finish a major project.

[Matthew Weinberg]

Sir, have you considered joining the field of higher education? Your public speaking and appreciation of young people could be a good fit in such an environment. I suggest you try to find a university comfortable with outside-the-box thinking, flexibility, and a willingness to let you set up an institution/think tank based on your ideas. My generation (millennial) needs your help in molding the geopolitical/economic landscape of this new century. Just a suggestion.

[Gerry]

You've accomplished more than 99% do in a lifetime and have developed a significant bully pulpit to continue that work. It would certainly be normal when climbing a mountain and reaching a fog shrouded plateau to wonder, "Where to now?" But remember the Ruleset Reset is not completed and there is much to be done to move the pile, to educate the world group-think, that doing unto others as you would have them do unto you is in everyone's best interest. IMHO much of what you've done so far fits that basic idea or what Wikipedia calls the Ethic of Reciprocity:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethic_of_reciprocity

We need to have a widely established ethic in place when Kurzweil's sentient computers come online.

[PamC]

Oo! Alex Kessinger just (indirectly) reminded me...

I actually love confusion these days... it's when we have no direction that we're free to go any direction. It's my own personal detective game.

Or mad scientist, depending on my mood.

Follow your fancy. Be a dilletante for a while. Who says you're on a time table. The future's just an illusion anyway.

A friend of mine with AIDS once said: "If you or I step out off a street corner and get hit by a bus, we both die. The difference is, I can see the bus coming."

But that's a load of crap really. Five years I was in torturous levels of pain. I was on 60mg oxyconton/day, and even then the pain would get so bad that I averaged an ER trip for and additional 6mg dilauded about once a month. I was told time and time again, by several "professionals"... "experts"... that there was nothing they could do for me. Nothing.

I lived without hope for years. But I trudged on because of two mantras:

The key to walking through hell: don't stop.

&

Don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle.

So really... it may be that things are already in the works for you and it's just a matter of time.

Good luck!

p.s. Two years ago, I was admitted to at Swedish Hopspital for an experimantal study for the Occipital Nerve Stimulator. Three months after I was removed from the blind, the device stopped my daily migraines.

Nothing else had worked. I had literally tried every medication available. But now they've stopped (except with the occasional bad batch of weather) and I don't even have to have the device on.

Hang on. Just 5 minutes. And when that 5 minutes is up. Wait another 5. It works if you work it.

[large]

Tom, at 67, I constantly hear the comment, "Getting old ain't for Pussies" . . The real hard part, after spending most of my life being a winner at most of what I attempted, I find "Getting old mentally", is really tougher . .

And that sounds like where you're getting to . .

But like Alex, I find your speeches and writing not only insightful, but inspiring to know there's people like you who can (and will) lead when people like me are gone . .

As I have said here before, you're one of my heroes, bud, so persevere!

[Brett]

Like Alex I am 24 years old, although I am light-years from starting a family. I went through a similar phase this year where I began to question the decisions I made in college. Why didn't I learn a foreign language? Why didn't I ever start that political magazine? Why didn't I take on a second major?

I loved your analysis of Drucker. I need to listen to the Drucker audio-tapes I own.

But my problem is, unlike you, I have not lived and worked enough to truly know my expertise. Sure, I have a general idea what I'm good at and where my talents are lacking, but I still have a path to choose.

I guess I'm saying that I understand the feeling, even if I am at a completely different time in my life.

Just to let you know, Dr. Barnett, I watch your TED talk once a month and I send it to my friends and family. It's required watching in my opinion. As a subscriber to Esquire, I became aware of your work a few years ago and I have been reading ever since.

You're a problem-solver and you have good intentions and a realistic perspective. The country needs your voice and I for one think that our national dialogue would suffer without it.

[Don C]

I've been reading and following your discussions about policy, strategy and your family for years and feel like you're a friend.

I agree with Jon: You need a new challenge and you are one of those with the courage to take action on that need.

So why not open that dialog with your readers? What task should TPMB take on next?

I'd liked to see you in a cabinet post, but in lieu of such a leap of genius by the dim bulbs in charge, I think you should take on a more physical role with Enterra. Ask Steve to challenge you!

[Jimmy J.]

I'm 75 and have had at least five major transitions in my life with multiple other perturberances along the way. When you quit examining your life and reinventing yourself, you'll be well on your way to the old folks home.

Even though I'm out to pasture for all intents and purposes, there are still books to read, ideas to tinker with, people to meet, places to go, causes that need championing, dreams to be dreamed. I don't know how I ever found the time to work. Not ready for shady acres rest home quite yet. Nor will you be 30 years from now.

[William R. Cumming.]

Worrying about cause and effect may destroy us all. May just be time to move on to new concerns and new worries or even new pleasures.I would argue that you would make good full Professor material and then could consult on the side. We know you are a wonderful briefer, but unknown as a good decision maker. My guess is probably a good one. Runners usually are such. Pick a University that gives its Professor's children free or discounted tuition. Just ask them where they might want to attend college. By the way by the way by the time your young ones get to college the for profit colleges and univeristies will exceed 10,000, the classic non-profits probably less than 1000 and 50% of college attendance will be on line.

[Michael]

Random thoughts to be taken with appropriate amounts of salt:

Was moving to Indiana really a bad idea, or just a good idea for reasons that no longer apply? It got you close to relatives, close to your favorite football team and well away from Washington.

By the same token, would moving back to Rhode Island be a good thing? It's more moving expenses to go to some place that may be just as idealized in your head as Indiana was.

If you move at all, why not look at an entirely new place?

Are your kids in a good position for a move, lifewise?

Sometimes, outsourcing what you're bad at isn't an option. Take it from someone who stinks at dating and job hunting:P Good luck, whatever you decide.

[historyguy99]

"I do not repent me of the all the trouble I have been to arrive where I am....My marks and scars I carry with me."

"The longer I live the more I think of the quality of fortitude---men who fall, pick themselves up and stumble on, fall again, and are trying to get up when they die."

Brigadier General Theodore Roosevelt Jr. Sicily 1943

Wise words to live by.

The measure of your worth is shown by the 24 comments above who too a soul, hold a candle and offer support, as you step down the next path you choose.

[Constantina]

'Hang on. Just 5 minutes. And when that 5 minutes is up. Wait another 5. It works if you work it." - Posted by PamC | July 17, 2008 11:41 AM

Amen to that. I really was digesting what you wrote for a day or so and read over all the comments that have been posted here.

These comments and fellow people on this blog are a clear example of what you produced. This is opportunity. The moment between breathes. The raw post that so many of us can relate to. This is influence. I am glad that this honesty is displayed. No need for me to repeat much of what was commented here. I agree with a lot of it. Your going to another level and that's inspiring. :) I think this is what you need.

Participated in 3 volleyball games today in a row at the park down the street from my apartment.(I use to play in HS & College) Didn't know anyone. Played. Loved it. Tough. Spiked a few times. Killed the ball. It was great to get into the game again. Recommended your book to someone.

[David Sutton]

Easy Tiger! If it makes all this easier then you have me, and probably hundreds of others who have discussed your work with others, been inspired to help change the world, made PNM and your other books mandatory reading for kids not yet born.

Crisis is good for the soul, it makes you evaluate what you want, what you need and what you can’t live without.

[Tim Clark]

Appreciate the insight on the challenges involved in balancing our personal, professional, and spiritual lives.

Thoughts on challenges and avoiding ruts, comments on Drucker's advice to focus on what you do well helped clarify some linkages for me between strategy, leadership and the long-view.

[Tangurena]

I'm about your age (+/- 1 yr) so it might be an age thing. I'm running for office this fall because I want to leave the place better off. Perhaps it is this itch that causes folks our age to look into politics and red convertibles. Without blabbing about this elected position, I can state that it isn't one that aspiring politicians look for, and it is about the only one (in this state) that interests me at all.

I don't know what part of Indiana you live in, I found W. Lafayette to be good, but then I went to Purdue (pronounced "purr-don't" because everything was against the rules) so I was familiar with all the libraries on campus and the rest of that college town. Even when I worked in other parts of IN, I'd head back to campus on weekends.

As for the retirement thing, I'm looking at about the same date, and looking at what I've put aside and I'm at a simmer just below a panic. I've got more put aside than the median American our age, and it doesn't look anything like near enough - even with maxing out 401k and IRAs.

[Tom Barnett]

Thanks. All very helpful.

[Tom Guarriello]

Tom, if you had any doubts about the experiences your fellows have had with the questions you pose here, these comments should put those to rest. Not that knowing others have difficulties like yours solves anything, but it does, for me, put those difficulties in context. One lifetime is a very short time in which to figure all these things out but it is all we have. And just when we think we have them figured out...

You didn't ask for advice, so I won't give any.

[ry]

Okay, so who's going to play Cher's part and slap the Doc while yelling for him to snap out of it? ;)

Your just tired. LIke coming off an 800m vomit rocket. You go lay down on the infield, wondering why you do this to yourself. Then, after a bit, you realize that you love doing it and that's why you're getting up to do the 1500.

It's cool. A pause is fine, but you know you're going to get up and go run, Doc. You love this stuff too much.

[T.]

Indiana does that to everybody!

[Louis Heberlein]

I don't like to make personal comments on a public forum, but your comments and the readers' responses made this a special exception for me.

First, the Indiana move. You probably would have regreted not making the move even more because of the strong emotional drive behind the decision, and the probability that you could not now really appreciate the resulting problems unless you had encountered them. That 'lost opportunity' mental/emotional image probably would not go away.

Second, just keep on trying to be useful. We are all doomed to imperfect insights on the world. For Christians that means Providence, God's game plan, and our interpretation. God warned Adam he would have a tough life and fail at the effort. Ecclesiastes tells us that the quest to seek that knowledge is built into us, that we can get better, but still fail, and that we should accept that reality, try to be happy, and keep on trying. Jesus' guidance to others was mostly a guidance to others on how to seek the insights they needed, given their personal limits and needs. He did not offer the detailed comprehensive Providence plan. Thomas More said men should make reasonable efforts to overcome the world's evils/problems, but that excess actions would be harmful.

Perhaps your works and the bible should end with: To Be Continued."

[Daniel]

Boy, I have been having the same thoughts. Kids, wife, great family, great job, great boss, but people around me start moving on, the new political appointees become another war of attrition, guy I worked with for 10 years gets arrested, i turn 40, have 10 years in, and feel closer to 60 than 20, all of a sudden I start thinking, damn, I don't have enough time to change things. I'm a believer in synchronicity. Many things happen for a reason. I read your blog regularly and was like, wow, when I read this one. Perfect timing for me. A reminder that even the bet of us can feel the blues. Abraham Lincoln said to just ride it out, it would pass. That's what I'll do. Strength to your sword arm!

[Greg Stewart]

For what it is worth I had similar experience and found that what I was doing had gotten to comfortable. I was a police officer and had been for more then a decade and although it had some exciting moments I realized that I had experienced enough that the challenge was gone. I no longer felt that emptiness in my stomache or impending dread that I was really going to screw up.

I promoted and went from a postition of being able to critique situations and being an operator as it were to actually have bigger responsibilities. All of a sudden I was not longer bored and boy did everyday I felt that nervous about screwing up. It was like a new career.

Perhaps you should take on some new/different responsibilites. A cabinet position or some other position were your decisions gain new meaning. I see alot of people in my line of work burn out because they stop challenging themselves.

Take care and I enjoy your work.

[Eric]

Ry's right, and as others have stated----you're on the other side of a pretty large brain-dump! I love the Midwest but it's also one of the few places you can die in the summertime AND wintertime!---so take pride in your obvious resiliency! It will benefit you wherever you rest your head.

Also, take heart that you have a much larger influence than you know---that quiet voice inside is still there and will nudge you towards doors that excite your many passions.

It'd be awesome to see you in a more public/influencing role---but maybe the most influence you have is out here in the ether? Someone needs to help plant guideposts as the future materializes.

Go spend some time outdoors---on the beach or other pollen-free zone!---and just chill. Football season is coming!