One of those spooked-out (or is it burned-out?) days

Dateline: above the garage in Portsmouth RI, 17 February 2005

I was told by many people that when I lost my regular day-time job there would be days (or, more likely, nights) when I would get very anxious about the future. No matter how confident I might feel on any one day, these moments would come, I was told.

I'm feeling that tonight.

Why?

Don't know, really. Started day taking kids to school and feeling very positive about that (too much travel right now, so happy to help around home).

Then off to meeting at local consulting firm that specializes in really cool table-top wargaming. It's called Alidade and it's run by Jeff Cares, a retired Navy commander. They want to run a Shrink the Gap 05 game in the spring with dozens of players spread out over teams (Old Core, New Core, Seam States, Gap). Their design is clever and cool, and it should be a lot of fun. I will present briefs to kicks things off and provide nighttime entertainment, and with my New Rule Sets Projects LLC partners I'll play Control for the game. All in all, should be fascinating, and frankly, should make me feel awfully good about my prospects.

Meanwhile, I have two prospective assignments from Esquire, doing stories on two very different subjects in the government: one would be quite anonymous and the other would be anything but. Two very different challenges, two possibly fantastic pieces. Gotta make me feel good, yes?

And I am feeling good. Prospects seem very bright for the consultancy, and the speaking gigs keep rolling in. Book is done in terms of first draft. Everyone seems healthy, and I seem kinda funky.

Bit of it is the change stuff: like figuring out healthcare (thank God I already scored a large life insurance), taxes.

Some of it is just the bewilderment of being so damn busy without a job!

Some of it is just the hard allergies I seem to get in winter nowadays.

Some of it is just the fear of all that travel over next three weeks.

But in the end, when I really think about leaving the college, I realize I have almost no feeling whatsoever, other than I miss a few people.

Searching my skull a bit more, especially after nice phonecon with Art Cebrowski, also recently released under his own recognizance from a federal work program called DoD, and I think I have it!

I really need a vacation. The stress of all the change and powering through all that while writing 125,000 words of manuscript has left me seriously impaired--like a long football season or something. I just feel sort of beat-up, and unhealthy, and tired.

I could really use about two weeks of nothing, then about 6 weeks of dicking around the house, doing small things,and then a couple of weeks to organize my new home office--all the time doing lotsa workouts and reading for pleasure.

Then, I would be ready for the travel I will engage in over the next three weeks, replete with speeches after speeches.

Oh, and I have to edit that book over those three same weeks, plus the three weeks that follow (which feature no travel, thank God).

Hmmmm.

But, I feel good about the book, and the travels should be interesting and fun, and I won't miss any of Kev's BB games or practices, and the healthcare will work out, and I'll start working out when the travel's done, and prospects are good, and health is fine across family, and I'm feeling so burned out I have nothing left to say.

Not true.

Tomorrow I get up, roar like a lion, pay the bills and make the healthcare applications. I drive the kids to school. I something something. I go on class outing with Jerry's preschool (skating, no less), then home for something something more. Then I watch entire single season of some obscure Japanese anime vampire series with kids, while I type my way through a slew of stories to blog from this week's newspapers.

And living in that moment should be okay. I should hug everybody, return every smile, pet the dog and cat, know everything will be alright: that Warren will edit, that I'll write these articles, that the game will be cool, that the travel will be fine, that the consultancy will work, that everyone's health will be good, and that I will learn to live those moments one by one and avoid the fear of expectations.

Here endeth the prayer. . ..