One for the record books ...

Tonight was easily the worst performance I have ever given in my professional career, and beyond a doubt the worst reception I've ever endured.

It was a strange, strange evening, really a public speaking version of a "perfect storm" of bad outcomes, despite basically everyone involved making decent decisions and reasonable compromises and trying to make it work.

I have never felt humiliated or so summarily rejected onstage, and I can't remember the last time I was uncomfortable--until tonight.

Hell, the MC could only talk--out loud--about the "extremely trying circumstances" as he asked the audience to applaud as I slinked off-stage.

Really. It was that bad, as in Bill-Clinton-1988-Dem-convention-bad!

If that had been the first time I'd given the BFA brief, I would never give it again.

And yet a half-dozen people came up afterwards and said it was a good talk (content-wise), while admitting the audience completely tuned me out, continuing with their meals as though I was background music.

If I hadn't spoken successfully over meals in big rooms before, I would swear off ever doing so again. But I just gotta believe this was a freakily bad confluence of parameters (sound flicked on and off on clip-on until I abandoned it, screens were literally dozens of yards from my podium position, audience was totally burned out on speakers and apparently were really pissed that I was: (a) not Rumsfeld as long promised/rumored/hoped for and (b) not what they were looking for in terms of evening entertainment.

I mean, when I fumbled late on a slide (I simply refused to go through with a humorous reference regarding my family because I feared showing a picture of them would create some nasty backlash from the audience), the audience actually applauded my moment of silence (a la Bill Clinton being cheeredin 1988 when he uttered the words, "In conclusion . . ."), seemingly in attempt to convince me to abandon ship.

I did so about three slides later, mumbling my final words with almost no sense of where I was going to end it all.

Humbling ain't the word. . .

This was Favre throwing 5 INTs and looking incompetent against the Rams in a playoff game a few years back--that bad. It must have been equisite to watch. I came close to simply walking off stage more times than I could count.

All that after four really cool hours of signing books (both) for dozens upon dozens of people. Talk about a steep drop!

I apologized to anyone and everyone who would listen afterwards, calling it my worst performance ever. My hosts apologized to me profusely. It was almost like a contest or something, that's how obviously bad the whole thing seemed to everyone in attendance. Like a nightmare blind date that was WRONG! Just plain WRONG from the get-go.

I must deconstruct for lessons learned. But all I want right now is a room-service burger and sleep before flying out early tomorrow to Baltimore.

I give the brief twice tomorrow. No choice but to get back up on the horse.