Dateline: Indy,12 November 2005

Lost a close personal friend tonight, a genuine father figure I will never replace.

Just got the call.

It catches me exhausted, with my life just spiraling out of control.

It triggers a lot of bad feeling, and very strong desires to change a lot of things in my life.

I know it's bad to make decisions like that, and yet I can feel it coming like a runaway train. You get that scared feeling and you want to circle the wagons around your loved ones. Decisions that would have seemed eminently beyond reach suddenly zoom to just within your grasp.

You decide what matters and what does not. Who's in and who's out. What can be continued and what must end.

Things will change and things have changed. I feel screwed over by fate. That's normal when you lose someone close. It just seems unfair, even as you know that fair's got nothing to do with it.

But you have to take everything like this--especially the most painful stuff--like a gift, otherwise it will crush you.

And I have no intention of being crushed. I love mine too much. Everything else can be torched.

I'm glad we got to mass tonight. I held mine close. I prayed. I sang loudly an old hymn that I really love, and know by heart.

Now thank we all our God,

With heart and hands and voices,

Who wondrous things hath done,

In whom his world rejoices,

Who from our mothersí arms †††††††

Hath blessed us on our way

With countless gifts of love,

And still is ours to-day.

†

O, may this bounteous God

Through all our life be near us,

With ever joyful hearts

And blessËd peace to cheer us,

And keep us in his grace,

And guide us when perplexed,

And free us from all ills

In this world and the next.

†

All praise and thanks to God,

The Father, now be given,

The Son, and him who reigns

With them in highest heaven:ó ††††

The One Eternal God,

Whom earth and heaven adore,

For thus it was, is now,

And shall be evermore!

Yes, who wondrous things hath done.

But I will continue to rejoice in him as well.